Prostate With Grief

by Michele Fry 1992
upon the death of my Grandpa Planchon, imagining what my distraught mother must be feeling at the loss of her beloved father by imagining how I might feel at loosing her.

I thought I had known grief before
but never has it been so hard
to move a limb or speak or to
acknowledge caring friends…..
No matter what they say or do
          or how they illustrate their love.

I thought that I had felt
Abandonment – until you died.
I realize now, though others may have left me,
          they had never really gone away so far.

I thought that I had cried before, but
never have my eyes brimmed o’re with tears
throughout a day, a week, a month,
beyond a year without a conscious thought of you
ever even going through my mind.
          The void cries on its own.

Food has never been so unappealing.
For what is eating, after all,
but reaching out to stay connected with this world.
Whereas I only seem to want . . . I only want . . .
Why, short of just this moment here alone . . .
          I really don’t want anything at all.

Never have I been so lost for words.
For what words could be said to bring you back?
Nor actions done?

 

Not finding these, my lips are
drawn and mute and sealed
across a helplessness so vast that only
those who’ve lost a loved one understand . . .
The futility of words to bridge this gap . . .
          Time, and nothing more, can heal this wound.

I’ve seen my empty face worn by
others through the years. And never
understood the reasons why
they couldn’t simply rise above their pain . . .
and talk, and smile, and join the fun.
And lend a hand to others in their need . . .
         The way we’ve done so many times before.

I hadn’t realized that grief
could be a way to stay in touch.

To be so quiet and so still,
so scarcely breathing air that I can
Almost feel your cheek brush mine . . .
     Almost feel our hands entwine . . .
          Almost feel your heartbeat’s timing . . .

So, prostrate with grief I lie.
Not to wilt away or die,
And not for sympathy, but just to
concentrate my will and hold you . . .
Just for one more precious moment . . .
          Almost by my side.